25Plus Ruto Tortures
by Foxpilot
Summary: I torture our fishy friend Ruto for our entertainment. Contains violence, swearing, and insanity.
1. Clash of the Titanic fangirls

"**Huh, well hello there, fans of LoZ! My 'name' is Foxpilot. Some of you know me as a reviewer for your humor stories. Well, I'm starting one of my own here. Titled…well, you know the title…anyway it's all about torturing and/or killing everyone's favorite fish-girl, Ruto. This was heavily inspired by the 'Kill Ilia' fics of my friend LxZrulez and some other people. The goal is twenty-five, but I will continue if I can think up more. Now to give off the disclaimer, I have brought our good friend Link in. Come on out!"**

**Link steps out on stage. "Hyaa! Sherah! Hra! Oouwaaaah!" Foxpilot half-closes his eyes in irritation.**

"**Right, Link doesn't speak." Link shoots the host/author a glare, which is met and disregarded. "Basically, if I owned LoZ, Link wouldn't have had to 'propose' to Ruto in order to get the Zora's Saphire. Let it…Begin!"**

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'What a lovely day,' thought the Zora princess as she swam around the lake that was her home-turf. The sky was clear, the sun was shining, the air was pure, the water was glistening, and there was a dust cloud forming on the horizon past the large house that was home to the mad scientist. It would only be better if _he_ was here…

Wait…there wasn't usually a dust cloud near the lake shore! And dust clouds don't usually increase in size unless they head towards you, right? Ruto stared in curiosity as the cloud became larger. Eventually, it became clear that a fast-moving object was the cause of the dust cloud; a figure on a four-legged creature. Could it be that _he_ had finally come to make good on his marriage promise? Oh, happy day!

Ruto swam as fast as she could to reach shore so she could embrace her dearest (if reluctant) lover. But as the horse drew to a stop, it became clear that the rider wasn't her Link. It was some girl, maybe a little younger than her, dressed in some sort of foreign farm-girl outfit. Her hair was done up in two curls that reached out to either side, and her face was contorted with rage. Strapped to her back was a large stick.

The horse skidded to a stop, sending the strange young woman flipping over its head. Somehow, the girl managed to land unsteadily on her feet. Recovering her composure, the girl pulled the branch from its spot on her back and pointed it at Ruto. When she spoke, her voice was full of malice. "You! You scaly, fishy…fish! How dare you try to take Link away from me!" Ruto was confused. Was this supposed to be Princess Zelda of the Hylians? If so, she looked rather homely and stupid. "What did you call me?!" Oops, Ruto had said those things out loud, hadn't she?

"Who do you think you are? Linkykins is mine! Who do you think you are to claim him?!"

"I am Ilia, Link's friend from Ordon since forever and the only one deserving of him! You, you fishy little beast, have NO RIGHT to try and take my fuzzy little love away from me!"

Ruto was surprised, to say the least. A random girl claiming to be Link's friend comes out here and calls him "fuzzy." Something occurred to Ruto's tiny fish brain in that instant. "Are we talking about the same guy here? Link's not 'fuzzy' and Ordon doesn't exist."

"All Links are mine! One day I will marry all of them and we will have lots of normal, Hylian kids and we will be happy and you will die now!" With that, the strange Ilia charged at Ruto, stick raised in an preparation for an overhead slash.

Ruto dodged to the side, but didn't manage to move her left foot in time due to her clumsiness on land. The stick was pointed at the end, and said point ripped a large gash in the fleshy membrane of her appendage. As blood tricked onto the grass beneath her, Ruto became angry. "Oh, now you die, bitch! You attack the Princess Zora, insult her with words, and try to claim my Link as your own. I'll have you know that THIS IS ZORA'S DOMAIN!!" With that long-winded battle cry, Ruto picked up an available rock and, ignoring her foot, dashed at the crazed farm girl. This rock was about the size of Ilia's head; perfect for bashing brains in.

Ilia dodged the swipe that Ruto pulled with her rock and retaliated with a horizontal slice. Once again, Ruto's clumsiness on land proved troublesome as the sharp branch created a lon, jagged gash on the outside of her arm. As Ruto screamed in pain, Ilia took the bloody point to her lips and licked it. "Mmmm…fish blood…" Ruto realized that she was dealing with someone infinitely more dangerous than any Octorok. This was an insane girl in her element; insane one-on-one land combat. Wait, that's it!

Ruto chucked the stone at Ilia, who tried to guard with the stick in her hand. The limb snapped, filling Ilia's skin with splinters. The branch had also failed to stop the rock, which concussed Ilia upside the head. Dazed, Ilia rushed at the fish-woman with her half-stick. Ruto allowed herself to be forced into an ungraceful retreat, gaining a large number of jagged slashes across her front. Eventually, the Zora managed to reach the waterfront and retreat into the depths. The liquid around her turned red as her blood stained the once-pristine surface. Ruto started to feel lightheaded from the loss of blood. Fortunately, her opponent waded deeper into the lake, ready to use her half-stick as a harpoon.

This was her final mistake. As Ilia prepared to step once more, Ruto pulled her standing leg out from under her. Ilia plunged back-first into the cloudy water, where Ruto grabbed her by the face and held her down. Unaccustomed to fighting underwater, Ilia could only flail blindly as air escaped her lungs. Ruto's years of training and experience in aquatic substances soon proved better, though, as finally, Ilia breathed in, filling her body with bloody water. Coughs and splutters forced the last of her air out of her lungs while simultaneously bringing filling them with fluid. Eventually, Ilia stopped struggling and lay still, limbs floating up. Ruto held her there for another minute before letting her go.

Swimming back to shore and crawling up onto the beach, Ruto panted for breath. Gazing down at her once-beautiful (if slimy) body, she saw that her figure would now be covered in numerous scars from the many hits she took. A whinny brought her attention up. Standing above her was the horse that Ilia had arrived on. The creature gave a snort, possibly of disdain or haughtiness, before bringing a powerful hoof down on the weakened fish-lady right between the eyes.

In Hyrule castle, Link felt a great weight lift from his shoulders. His bright smile caught the attention of Princess Zelda. "What's that look for, Link?" Link explained in his own special way that he had the feeling that a previous engagement would no longer trouble him and that the relationship with the Zoras would now go more smoothly.

Many decades, possibly centuries later, a younger Link grinned stupidly as well. When asked by that time's Princess Zelda what he was grinning about, he explained that he was glad that Zelda had sent Ilia and Epona back in time to combat the former Zora royalty. As if on cue, Epona appeared, without a rider, through the temporal portal, one front hoof covered in gore. Zelda and Link grinned evilly and began laughing maniacally. Mission accomplished.

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"**Well, that's chapter one of my sixth story. So TP Link and Zelda sent Ilia back in time to kill Ruto, expecting the fish-princess to win. What they didn't count on, and may never know, is that the faithful Epona finished Ilia's job, therefore ending the mighty reign of terror of two major fangirls. At least for this chapter.**

"**I don't normally ask this, but I will anyway. R&R, alright? I want to know what you think. Other than 'this has been done already.' I know that, but I've never seen one with Ruto, so it's different, alright? Good. Ciao chow!"**


	2. Fruity Tootie Doomie

**"Wow, I impressed a lot of people with the last chapter. Eight reviews on the first torture! That's great! Thank you so much everyone! LXZ lover, Frederic Marile, Katttheamazing, JJ Dragon, Reyser3000, LxZrulez, Smash-the-Elder, and Hawktakesflight, you all rule so much for being good reviewers. And to answer your questions, Smash, the first two can be up to you and the third is just a preference shared by many people. In this chapter, you'll see my view on Ruto. But for now, disclaimer time. Princess!"**

**Zelda steps out onto the stage. "'Foxpilot does not own Zelda. If he did, Nintendo would confirm the canoness of the Link/Zelda pairing.' Wait, don't I get a say in this? What if I don't actually like Link?!"**

**"Princess, this is the craziest kind of writing in history; fans with opinions stemmed from things other fans noticed or made up or from things they think should be true. Be thankful some of us _don't_ own the series, or there would be some really wrong things. If you want more, look up 'ZeldaX' on Deviantart. Odds are, you'll find someone with an imagination worse than mine. And with that being said, let's start this. Let it…Begin!"**

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It was dark. And quiet. The only sound was the soothing rush of water. The problem Ruto had with it was that the water sounded like it was going over metal. But she couldn't see it; she couldn't see anything. Her bottom and back felt cold, like they were pressed against some kind of stone. Ruto started out being afraid, which turned to frustration and then boredom as time passed. To keep herself entertained, Ruto began to think of Link, her dear Link, as her dear king as they ruled over the Zoras, eventually taking over all of Hyrule and conquering the cursed fire-people, the Gorons. Then they would head to the desert—wait, was that a door closing?

Suddenly, light filled the Zora Princess' eyes. Giving a squeak of shock, Ruto closed her eyes and leaned her head back. "I know it's bright, so I'll just give you a minute." Slowly, the fish-lady became accustomed to the light and opened her eyes.

In front of her, holding a blindfold was a young man, hardly an adult. His head was covered by a gray, woven Feodora and his eyes were covered by sunglasses, even though the only light in the room was a single bulb on the ceiling. His clothes were heavily black—black pants and an unzipped hooded sweatshirt covered most of his skin. The rest of his torso was covered by a green shirt. Sneakers covered his feet and looked rather well-worn. Overall, this person seemed shady, but still kind. He had a gentle smile on his face that, though more amused than anything, still sent shivers down Ruto's spine. "Who are you, by the Goddesses?"

"My name is not important, but many call me 'Foxpilot.' Don't fear for your 'purity,' I'm not here for that. Which brings me to an interesting point. In Ocarina of Time, both the ZOras and the Gorons wear absolutely nothing, except for King Zora, the fat-ass, who wears a royal robe. The game was rated "E," yet there was clear nudity and blood in the last battle. How did they get away with that. Nowadays…"

Ruto had drowned "Foxpilot" out at "fat-ass." How dare this…this…peasant call her Father names! "You sickening Hylian! The royal family will hear of this betrayal!"

Foxpilot paused his rant and looked at Ruto. "The Hylian royal family? Sorry, but I don't answer to them. Nor am I Hylian. I'm close, but not quite. Anyway, I think they wouldn't care, really."

Something hit Ruto. She had dreamt something terrible last night; a Hylian had come and tried to kill her, but ultimately failed. Then she had gotten stomped by a horse. But that didn't matter now. The last words of the Hylian, as best as she could hear it, sounded like "fox pie-let." Could it be…? "YOU! You've been planning this! First, you invade my dreams with your minion, now you capture me and are planning an inexplicable evil. But not even Ganon has this kind of power. That makes you…an…an…" Ruto finally realized the danger of her situation.

"Yes, I am an author. But before you freak out, allow me to explain myself. I do not hate you, nor do I like you particularly. But a friend of mine started another torture fic and I liked the idea. So, I made one for one of the least-popular characters in the series. Namely you, Ruto of the Zoras. Please understand that I do this not as a crime against your people, who will never know or care, nor against you yourself, but for the entertainment of myself and all the crazed people who hate you with a passion. As such, this is getting long, so I shall proceed." Foxpilot ats Ruto on the head, then begins to freak out. "EEEEEWWW!!! Scaley fishy slimy! Hand sanitizer! Hand sanitizer!"

The strange human pulls a half-filled bottle out of his pocket and pours a bit of the contents onto his hands. He then proceeds to rub them together. "Uah…better. Note to self, never touch a Zora again." Foxpilot turns to an enraged Ruto. "Sorry, uh, lost myself there. Anyway. You will notice that you are tied up and are unable to move." This was true. Ruto was tied in such a way that she couldn't move an arm or a leg.

"So, mister 'pure author.' If you don't want me, what do you want" A mischievous grin spreads on the bearded face of the human.

Foxpilot reaches into the corner of the dark room and brings out a snake. No, not a snake, a tube of some kind. "The plan is simple, really. I feed you fruit punch until you explode." The author goes to place the end of the tube over her mouth, and then stops. "Right, gloves." Foxpilot brings a pair of gloves out of his pocket and puts them on. "Better, much better!" He then proceeds to shove the tube into Ruto's mouth and tape it in place with duct tape. "Duct tape; the tape of champions/men/insane people. Now available in several designer colors!" Foxpilot grins maniacally at Ruto before leaving the room.

"You won't get away with this! I-I'll just pee it out!" Foxpilot returns to the room, grinning idiotically this time, if there is a difference between an idiotic grin and an insane grin, and pokes Ruto between the eyes.

"I thought of that. That's why I had the creepy, exam-happy doctor from TP sew…the area… eh, sew it shut. Even if you manage to break the stitches, you'll have heavy bleeding and whatnot. Besides, the "piss-factor" is why I bound you to a toilet."

"Is that what this thing is? I thought it was a—gagulggumphguh!" Ruto's next line was cut off as the fruit juice flowed into her mouth. With nowhere to go except down, Ruto was forced to shut her conceited voice off as the punch forced itself down her throat. Though she squirmed valiantly, the Zora princess couldn't break the bonds nor remove the tpae that bound her to her position.

"I'm leaving now, since I don't want to be splattered with fish…whatever. But I'm leaving this camera here to catch the whole process, which I will review for my viewing pleasure later. Enjoy yourself!" Foxpilot leaves the camera on a nearby sink before walking away, humming the Star Wolf Theme from Star Fox: Command to himself.

Ruto was left alone to ponder her fate. Either she let her stomach explode from the non-stop influx of liquid or she could try and open her bum to relieve some of the pressure and ensure her survival. Neither option was pleasant, but the latter offered a chance to tell her Father about this menace to Zora-kind. Detemined, Ruto began to flex her glutes in a desperate attempt to undo the stitches.

Time passed, though how long was impossible to tell because the room was cut off from the rest of the world. Ruto continued to work as the fruit juice forced itself down her fishy throat. She felt her bladder swell and her insides become liquid-filled. Despite all of this, Ruto had to admit that this was a delicious way to die.

Finally, she could take it no longer. Putting everything she had into one last effort, Ruto managed to break the stitches keeping her from relieving herself. The pain was immense; even more so because of the properties of the rushing liquid, but she could feel the relief immediately.

Then it stopped.

Ruto realized that she was no longer losing liquid. Furthermore, she felt that her bladder was empty. It was with a sinking feeling that the Zora princess realized that her efforts were in vain. Her stomach continued to swell before finally bursting in a disgusting shower of red.

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"Dooooo! Dooooo! Doo-doo-doo-doo doodoodoo! Bom bom!" Foxpilot walked down the hall to the bathroom where Ruto had been kept. It had been 24 hours and he wanted his money—er, it was time to see the results of the "experiment."

The first thing he noticed when he reached the door was the stain of red that had spread along the carpet, covering several square yards. Or meters for those who don't use the Imperial System. The next was the almighty awful stench emanating from the doorway. Opening the door by a mere crack, Foxpilot peered inside with one eye and examined the final product.

Guts and juice were everywhere, intermingled with each other so that there was no way to tell the blood from the beverage. Ruto herself sat on the toilet still, stomach burst wide open. Opening the door fully, Foxpilot picked his way over to the fish-woman. "I can tell you're alive. I can literally see your lungs moving. You're impressive at surviving, for sure." Ruto opened one eye weakly and tried to mutter something. "You want to know what brand, yes?" The afflicted fish nodded slightly. "Hi-C. You died from a massive intake of vitamin-c. Feel good knowing I gave you something healthy as a last meal…drink…thing." Ruto's eye blazed coldly before shutting and lolling over.

"I am not cleaning this up."

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**"Have you ever needed to go really badly, but couldn't because you were in the car or something? And each bump made the feeling worse? Think that, only it keeps on coming. Also, you can speak while there's a tube in your mouth and your lips are taped. Try it with a plastic, store-bought water bottle and your hands if you don't believe me.**

**"Also, I do not own Hi-C and any affiliate companies, nor do I own Star Fox.**

**"This is the first time you see me outside of intros and ending segments, but not necessarily the last. And if you don't get my take on Ruto let me put it this way: I don't hate her, but I don't like her, either. She's conceited, irritating, snobby, and probably not a good idea for a Sage. But she also helps when she's needed, so that's it. I don't particularly like her, but I know people hate her with a passion. So this fic, though nonsensical and violent, is dedicated to my enjoyment of tormenting fictional characters and to the many Ruto-haters out there. There's more to come, so be ready. Also, if you want a character tortured alongside Ruto, feel free to ask! But each one only once.**

**"Random note: Microsoft 2007 does not innately recognize 'glute' or 'glutes.' They must be added to the dictionary. Ciao chow, all!**


	3. There was a Farmgirl with a Fish

**"Well, isn't this a lovely day…or night…time to mess with something in a violent way that nearly everyone likes! First, I'd like to thank Zeldamaster456 for her review, even though I'm torturing someone she likes." The crowd gasps audibly. "I know, shocking, but to each their own. I would also like to thank Renee Springer and . for their reviews, as well. Welcome to the family of my reviewers, population…uh…a good amount!" The crowd goes wild for all of Foxpilot's reviewers. "Remember, the more you review, the more cheers and appreciation you get. Wow, that sounded…a bit pathetic, really.**

**"Anyway, to start, we have Epona to do the disclaimer! Epona, if you please?"**

**Epona trots out onto the stage and starts neighing madly. Then she rears up and knocks over the microphone stand, causing feedback to resound through the whole auditorium. Each member of the crowd holds their ears as Foxpilot winces. Epona then trots offstage.**

**"I really need to start getting characters that talk. Okay, I don't own Zelda and if you sue me, Epona will crush your head in. Or something like that. Let it…Begin!"**

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"Hmm hm-hm…hmm hm-hm." It was another glorious day at the LonLon ranch and Malon was spending it well. If by "well," you mean de-ticking the horses. But her love for the creatures took the boredom and revulsion away utterly. "Aha! Another one!" Using a special comb she had gotten in Castle Town last week while her Dad, Talon, had been delivering milk—again—to the castle, the young redhead picked up the parasite on the horse's calf—Roamer being the horse's name—and sloshed fermented grape juice over where the mouthparts met the host's flesh. Soon, the tick released its hold and Malon pulled it off of the once-afflicted horse. As she turned to put the bloodsucker into a pouch, the rancher's daughter caught sight of a horrible blue monster heading in through the main gates. "EEEEEEEEEEEKKK!!!"

Talon, who had been in the barn doing something—probably sleeping—poked his head out of the door and looked towards his child. "Malon? What's going on?" Malon only stared at her Father, but as the lazy rancher stepped out, she gasped and pointed a shaking finger at the monster.

Talon turned and looked at the monster, which seemed to be very peeved at the moment. "Ohohohohoho! We have a guest; a royal Zora at that! My, don't you look thirsty. The trek from Zora's Domain must have parched you dry with the continuous sun we've been getting! Miss, please come inside while I get you some water." Talon stepped away towards the well, calling to his daughter. "Malon, my dear, help our esteemed guest into the house, would you?"

Malon took a moment to process the information. This was a Zora, one of the fish-people that lived to the east? And was of royal blood? But she was all shriveled and ugly…probably the sun, as her Father had said. Malon rushed towards their new visitor and guided the Zora inside. Ew…she was so…so _scaly_! Malon could hardly hold on for her revulsion. The Zoras weren't soft and furry like a horse.

Once inside and the Zora seated, Malon went to prepare some food for their weary caller. The trip from Zora's domain was difficult, taking a day at least. Though Malon didn't know what a Zora ate, she figured that basic fresh greens couldn't hurt.

As Malon searched for something fresh, Talon came in with a large bucket brimming full of water. "Here you are, Miss. Take as much as you need. Oh, Malon, you're looking for food? Such a great girl!" Talon went to the cabinet and pulled out a tumbler for the royal Zora to drink from. As he turned around, he was surprised to see that the Zora girl had submerged her whole head in the pail. Several awkward minutes passed as the Zora just sat there, hunched over with her flat bean in the bucket. Eventually, the fish-girl, for she was clearly young, pulled her head up from the pail, looking rather refreshed.

"Thank you, farmer and daughter. I am Ruto, princess of the Zoras. Without your kind aid, I would have shriveled and died. Please accept this token of my appreciation." Princess Ruto gave Talon a silver crown inlaid with large, red rubies.

-Da na na naaaaaaaa! Talon received the Ruto Crown! This priceless heirloom has been passed down through the Zoras for generations. Certainly this is a gift to remember and cherish!-

The three beings looked up at the words that had scrawled themselves into midair, puzzled by the mysterious happening. As suddenly as it had appeared, the mystical text vanished, as though a button had been pressed. The people then carried on as if nothing had happened.

"Princess, I insist you stay the night so you can recover from your long journey." Talon's offer was well-received by the fish-princess, who offered her thanks once again. "Then it's settled. Malon, dear, why don't you show our lovely guest around the ranch while I finish making that dinner you were preparing?"

"Okay, Dad. If you would be so inclined, Princess?" Ruto nodded and followed Malon out the door.

As the passageway closed, Talon muttered to himself, "What piece of rubbish is this?" Holding the Ruto Crown in his hands, the Mario look-alike rubbed the jewels thoughtfully. "Hmmm…maybe some consumer will buy it at the market? Certainly she has several of these. Maybe I can get another from her…" Talon set the silver headpiece down and began to cook his famous Talon Surprise, but before long he had fallen asleep with his head in the sink.

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"So, Princess Ruto, what brings you to our humble neck of the woods?" Malon looked at the fish-woman with curious eyes.

"Well, if you must know, I'm looking for someone special. He took an offer of mine several years ago and hasn't made good on it yet. But I hadn't counted on how dry the air outside of Zora's Domain is, so I headed for the nearest settlement, which happened to be this lovely home of yours." Ruto was, of course, being polite. The ranch was a mess—horses and cuccos roamed at will, leaving untold amounts of…stuff…behind. There were crates strewn over the homestead and grass grew with free abandon. This was certainly no place for a princess. The wall to the barn even looked as though it had a bloodstain on it. When Ruto had asked, Malon had laughed and said something about a spider some visitor had shot.

"You're so kind to say that, Princess. I know our home isn't exactly the neatest place, but that you like it is certainly a blessing to us. So this man, he ran away?"

"He took my priceless treasure and promised to marry me in exchange, but that was seven years ago and I haven't seen him since. I think he may have run off with that slut from Castle Town."

"I knew somebody like that once. He came by, muttering something about errands for the Princess of Hyrule. I taught him a song on his first visit. He came back later, bought my favorite horse, Epona, and then disappeared. I haven't heard from him since. I'd be willing to bet that he's with that castle-cockroach of a royal heir. He really belonged here, with me."

"That's funny, the person I'm looking for probably ran off with that same princess. His name was Link."

"That's weird. I'm talking about a person named Link. He was a fairy boy from the southern forests."

"So was my Link."

An awkward silence ensued as the two processed the information. The ladies, one of ranch and one of royalty, slowly looked at each other.

"You mean—."

"He's mine—!"

"I saw him first!"

"Did not, fish-slut!"

The fight then broke out. Ruto tackled Malon, who responded by poking one of Ruto's eyes. The princess rolled over and grabbed the nearest hand thing. That "thing" happened to be a cucco. The Princess of the Zoras began to mercilessly swing the bird at Malon, who dodged as well as she could.

"P-put it down! You don't know what'll happen if you make it mad!"

"What could happen? It gets more rowdy and claws your face off? I like that!" Ruto increased her attacks, swinging wildly and forcing Malon to flee. The rancher's daughter ran into the horse pen, where she climbed onto Roamer, the nearest horse. Unfortunately, this only provided a bigger target for Ruto, who began to attack the poor equine mercilessly.

Then the cucco let out an ear-piercing shriek. Both ladies paused, stunned by the sudden, shrill noise. As their heads cleared, the women became aware of a rumbling in the earth below.

"Now you've done it."

"What, I triggered an earthquake? Big deal."

"No. It's far, far worse. I've only heard rumors about this; rumors that it's impossible for a normal person to survive this calamity. You, _Princess_, are about to be destroyed enti—."

Malon was cut off as a crowing made its way over the hill. This was joined by a second, then a third, followed by a fourth and fifth, each coming from a different point around the ranch. Within moments, thousands of crowing noises could be heard. Then their sources made their debut.

Over the ranch's fence, through the gate, and even from thin air they came. Feathers flew, the ground shook, horses tried to bolt, and even the Goddesses quaked. Ruto and Malon were suddenly surrounded by tens of thousands of the worst, most violent creatures in existence.

Cuccos. By the hen-load, cuccos.

Malon exchanged glances with Ruto. "You're on your own, Princess." As Malon slapped Roamer's flank to get it going, the horse, already spooked by the appearance of the ultimate warriors, reared up and dumped its rider off of its back. As Malon landed unceremoniously in a heap, she rolled face-first into a pile of…we don't want to know, really. Roamer bolted, and was followed by the several other horses in the ranch. The cuccos parted to let them through, knowing that the horses feared and respected their ungoddessly might.

Ruto and Malon were forced back to back as the menacing birds closed in. One by one, the mostly-flightless avians crowed a battle cry. Then they swarmed.

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An hour later, Talon, having been woken by the birdpocalypse, peeked out of the main farmhouse to see if the cost was clear. Gaining confidence from the lack of cuccos, he strode out to survey the damage. The buildings were intact, the fences still stood, and the grass, though trampled, was still lively. Only a patch of bald ground in the horse pen showed that there was any damage done.

Lying inside of this patch of ground were several things. Two fish eyes, a yellow scarf with a dragon-face kerchief holder, and a silver crown were scattered in the circle. Talon recognized the neckerchief instantly. "Malon…"

The next thing to register was the pair of fish eyes staring at him. Clearly, they were Ruto's. "Even the Princess was caught in the attack…"

The third part of the ensemble to register was the crown. It looked just like…"A Ruto Crown! I guess I should look on the bright side here. I don't have to worry about keeping Malon happy, and I get another treasure to sell at the market." Talon then picked up the crown, put it on his head, and then promptly fell asleep in the field.

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To this day, we don't know what exactly happened to Ruto or Malon. The eyes suggest they were killed, but the lack of blood on the ground leaves this open to debate. Perhaps the cuccos ate all of the blood? Perhaps they got away?

Haha, yeah, right. No normal person escapes a cucco attack and lives. To date, only Link can be confirmed to have escaped cuccos. But to this day, Talon holds the secret hope that Malon is alive yet, perhaps waiting as a goddess in the mythical Land of Cuccos. We may never know what happened, but we can say this: they probably died painfully and ignobly.

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**"Whew! Sorry this took so long. Things are getting busy here, and the semester's wrapping up. Only a week-and-a-half left, really. But here it is, Ruto's death-by-cucco.**

**"I was requested to kill Malon as well, so I did. If you have a character you want to die or be tortured along with Ruto, please do tell me in your review. The requests are first come, first serve, so if you want a character torture, review quickly for best results. I will not be doing repeats, though.**

**"Don't expect too many updates for a while because exams are coming and the time will be busy. And I'm lazy. Thanks for your patience, though. Ciao chow."**


	4. Special Apperances

**"Well, no real good reason for not updating this. The best I can come up with is that I was busy with contest fics, but that only takes up a couple of hours during my day. Since my summer's been lazy, I have no good justification to offer.**

**"But I'm back, so gloriously back!" Foxpilot gets hit in the face with an orange. "…I know who you are and I will find you. Later though. For now, I shall move on.**

**"This is a request asked by a reviewer back in chapter two, the first request I'm doing for a specific kill/torture. Yes, I know she's dies all of the times, but I intend on changing that…eventually. She'll still die, but not every single time. Because sometimes, torture is better than death…for the viewer, anyway.**

**"So, I don't own Zelda or any related material. Sure I have some of the games, and own a few pieces of merchandise, but if I owned the series, I'd be willing to make a game where you actually get to design tortures for characters.**

**"But I don't own it, so that's that. Let it…Begin!"**

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The sound of the ocean lapping against the beach was tranquilizing. Not to the effect of subduing a walrus, but it made the sandy area a good place to just sit back and rest. Maybe even think a little.

It did not, however, make for a good singing spot.

As the redhead sat by the ocean, she tried vocalizing a few notes. But every time she attempted to launch into her favorite song, she'd lose her rhythm as she listened to the sea's movements.

It was unusual, actually: normally the beach was her favorite place to practice singing to the animals. The _swish_ and _swoosh_ of the waves calmed her nerves and gave her the perfect image for when she would croon to her wild friends, so that she'd stay together even then.

But something didn't feel right today. Something felt…special. The redhead couldn't quite tell if the special feeling was good or bad, but she knew something unusual would happen today. She could just tell it in the wind and ocean. Undaunted, she continued to try and sing.

She had finally managed to get more than five notes strung together when she heard a loud _whumpf_ a little ways down the beach. Curious, she set off to find the source of the noise.

She didn't have to go far at all. The redhead crested the hill she had been sitting by and was amazed by the sight. On the beach was a sack. A large sack, sopping wet and clearly very old. From the marks in the sand, the bag had just tilted over from a standing position; from the sound, the object or objects inside were heavy.

The object or objects inside were also moving.

A normal person would have either left the bag there or gone for some friends to help carry it somewhere. Perhaps both, checking back every day or so to see if the contents of the bag had died. But the redhead wasn't normal. Her love for life drove her forward to open the sack and free its prisoner or prisoners.

The redhead stepped up to the bag and let out a gentle, "Hello?"

The sack stopped moving for a moment before exploding in a torrent of noise. "Hey! Whoever's out there, get me the Goddesses' Feet outta here! If this is that weird girl again with the funny clothes, you can tell your weird little chum in the weird hat to keep his liquids to himself! One time was enough, so if you're going to let him stuff me with pureed berries again, I'm going to rip your legs off and feed them to Jabu-Jabu! Screw you, you little slut! You hear me? Get me out of this thing!"

The bag began struggling with more vigor, but the material was heavy. Lumps popped up and went down as the being in the sack tried even harder to break through the sodden cloth. It seemed somehow odd that the person couldn't break through a wet sack, but as the redhead held the material to untie it, the bag proved to be of a sort of foreign quality that resisted being damp. Already the bag was drying out.

Through the struggles of the person, the redhead managed to open the bag's knot and lift the mouth of the sack. The person inside stopped struggling for a moment before scrambling out like the former prison was infested with serial killers. The redhead gasped in shock.

The most obvious thing about this person was that she was blue. A nice pale blue, not unlike some of the fish the redhead's dad got at the market so often. The next surprising feature was that this person—if it could be described that way—had a head the size of a shovel. The head had four eyes: two in normal places and two more where the curvature of the appendage curved back.

The redhead didn't make many more observations, as she was promptly hit in the head with a fist that smelled of ocean water, the strange bag, and, oddly enough, blood.

The redhead hit the beach, the sand cushioning her fall. The hit hadn't been hard, but the punch had come as a surprise. The redhead didn't black out, but her vision swam as the smell of blood filled her nose. The blue stranger gasped in shock.

"Hey, you're not the weird girl! You're just a different weird girl! Actually, you remind me of some other weird girl I met once. But you're not her, are you?"

"Ow ow ow!" Though enthusiastic, the redhead's response was not what Ruto, Princess of the Zoras, had been expecting. Though from that right hook to her nose, this could be expected.

"Uh, sorry. I thought you were some other weird girl." Ruto helped the redhead sit up, taking a bit of nearby kelp and rolled it into tubes to plug her victim's gushing nose. The redhead seemed grateful despite the fact that she'd just been clocked in the face by a giant fish. "So, uh…what's your name, weird girl?"

The weird gir—er, redhead responded, her voice still filled with pain. "I'm Marin. I like singing to animals."

"That's great kid, but I didn't ask for your life's story. I'm Ruto, yes _the_ Ruto. Princess of the Zora race and heir to the Zora throne. For freeing me from the accursed magical bag of bagness, I hereby give you my eternal thanks and yadda yadda yadda. I guess I owe you a favor, so make your wish. C'mon, snap to it."

"I wish you'd die!" The voice sounded completely different, even though it was also female. Looking up, Ruto saw one of the things that she'd never wanted to see outside of her royal dungeon.

She was a girl in her teens, with fair skin that didn't seem to fit on the beach. Her clothes fit even less—a heavy sweater and pants made from the same material as the bag that had been Ruto's prison. Her body seemed to lack muscle, which made her seem disarming and easy to pick on. To counter this, in her hand was a strange sword with gold trimmings. This blade had one edge and curved upwards from its base. On this despicable girl's mouth was a twisted smile that turned slowly into a frown.

"You there!" The new weird girl pointed her blade at Marin. "Did you set the fish free?"

"Y-yes. So what if I did? It's not fair to keep a living being in a bag like that!"

"I was going to destroy her in front of the nearest village, you idiot! You ruined my plan! Now I'm going to kill you, too!"

"Wha—? Why?"

"It's what they do, kid." Marin looked at Ruto, who had a dark expression in her face. "These people, they're not normal. They do things, things that should be impossible. I don't know how, but they make the incredible happen for their own ends, ends that often culminate in someone's death. If you've been targeted by one, you're done. Hey, weird slut," Ruto called to the sword-wielder, "where's the thin bastard with the funny hat?"

"He's busy taking care of things. He said I could destroy you. Oddly enough, I think the girl that set you free was on his list, too. Ha ha! This'll be fun!" And with that, the weird girl twirled her blade and held it in a battle position. "Meet my Fanghook Katana!" The sword caught fire, which the strange teen pulled off of the blade and chucked at Marin and Ruto.

"Run!" Marin didn't have to be told twice. The two set off down the beach, dodging as many fireballs as they could. Each blast kicked up sand, grains of which were flash-burned into glass. Shards of the clear substance flew everywhere, making tiny cuts on the fleeing girls' bodies. They looked back again. The strange fighter was closer, but seemed to be tiring.

Then their feet felt hot.

Looking down, both girls saw that the sand below them had turned into a field of fresh glass, still scalding from its sudden transformation. The fugitives' soles were practically on fire. Another few steps and Ruto feel to the ground. "Princess!" Marin stopped, but the burning ground made sores spring up on her feet. It was agony to just stand on the surface.

"Zora…bad with heat…go on!" The princess seemed adamant, so Marin turned to go. As she took her first step, white heat passed through her back and out her front. There, catching her dress on fire was the mystical blade the weird swordswoman had been using. "Who…?"

"Renee Springer. Remember it in the domain of the Goddesses. And remember that you will suffer again. Perhaps not by me or my associate, but by others." Marin was fully aflame now and barely heard her killer's monologue. Renee removed the Fanghook Katana, letting the torch of a girl slump to the glass ground.

Turning to Ruto, Springer readied her blade again. Though she was winded from her intense run, Renee grinned gleefully. "I will enjoy watching you burn."

"You can't—AAAAAAGGH!" Ruto yelled out was the katana was stabbed into her leg. The fish-girls' flesh, dried by the hot sun and the escape attempt, caught quickly. As the fire lapped at her head, drying out her spare eyes, Ruto heard the echoes of the mad girl's laughter; laughter she'd hear for some time yet, even after death.

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**"And that's it! Wow, this was quick. I hope you like your cameo, Renee Springer!**

**"As for future torture/kill ideas, I'll only accept three more. As much as I enjoy seeing your imaginations run wild, I want to do most of this myself. However, punishment requests will stay open. If you want to submit an idea, please check the reviews to see if your idea or victim has already been taken.**

**"Also, Renee, my apologies if you were offended by Ruto's language. This is a T fic, after all, and I intend to make the most of it. If you don't like it, you can take solace in that you got burny, painful revenge. Or you can ask me to change it.**

**"Thank you for your time, and good night! Ciao chow, all."**


	5. A Simple Haircut

**"Good crike, it's been way too long. Sorry folks, I've been busy and lazy. Plus my handy list of tortures went missing and I procrastinated on fixing that, too. Shame on me.**

**"Anyway, this is a very special chapter requested by a very…unusual person. Now, I may seem like I'm losing my touch here, considering the guest doesn't die, but I don't condone suicide…and I just probably ruined the chapter. Besides, psychological torture can be worse than physical torture, hm?**

**"At this point, I would like to say that submissions of toture methods and characters to mess with are very much closed. The response has been overwhelming—thank you kindly. I intend to get to each and every victim at some point. For now though, enjoy the strangeness.**

**"As usual, I do not own the characters of The Legend of Zelda. I do, however, own today's guest victim.**

**"Let it…Begin!"**

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"Just thin the bulk, please."

"Yes, sir."

Normally, a barber shop is filled with the sounds of chatting patrons and busy electric clippers. Today, though, this particular establishment was empty save for two people: the cutter and his customer. And, by professional standards, "thin the bulk" generally called for scissors and a comb over a razor for most of the job.

As such, the shop was filled only with soft pop music and the _snip_ of hairs being decapitated. The patron had set up a special appointment for two reasons. The first was for some peace. It was hard to get time to oneself when said one is a writer hounded by over a dozen happy fans that eagerly hoped for an update. The second was…well, just for the hell of it. Besides, it gave Foxpilot some time to plan his next chapter.

The process was almost finished when the door chime sounded. The barber didn't even look up. "Closed for appointment."

The bell didn't ring a second time.

Foxpilot became suspicious. It wasn't so much the fear something was wrong. It was just that he had told absolutely nobody about this haircut. Though he was well-known, the writer kept largely to himself. A chance meeting with a fan could become irritating quickly.

Footsteps approached his chair. But they weren't the clumping of rubber on tile.

They were the slapping of flesh.

Finally, the writer looked up—straight into the eyes of Princess Ruto.

"Wha-what?"

The fish gave a creepy, satisfied smile. "I found it."

"Found what?"

"This." Ruto held out a paper. One that Foxpilot was all too familiar with. "This is the contract giving you the privilege of writing about me, isn't it?"

The author kept outward cool, but inside he was screaming. The fish had entered _his_ room unaccompanied and unauthorized! When he got his gamer-hands on her—

_But wait, she wouldn't gloat unless…Aaaaand crap._

"What about it?"

"Well, it says right here, in article five, subsection three, paragraph—"

"Just get to the damn point already."

"Testy, aren't you? Well, your contract says that you must give me one free chapter off from pain, suffering, and death."

_Goddammit!_ Foxpilot began to see red—then he realized that he had a red juice in his eyes. Reaching up and wiping the liquid out of his line of vision, the writer brought the substance to his nose. _Tabasco sauce…?_

Immediately reaching up, the author felt a steaming pile of meat situated on the top of his head. "What the hell?" Foxpilot rounded on the barber. "What the hell did you do?"

The haircutter flinched before responding. "Taco."

"…What?"

"You ask for taco meat in head."

"What? When?"

"During call"

Seething as Ruto dropped to the floor in hysterics, Foxpilot roared, "I said no such thing!"

"Duckling?"

"Huh—what? What does a duck have to do with this?"

"Duct tape?" The confused barber held up a roll of silver tape and advanced.

"Wha—Wha? Get away from me!" I'm so not giving you a tip now!"

"Tip?"

"By-by the Goddesses, you two, ju-just stop! You'll make my lungs burst! Aha ha ha ha ha!"

The Tabasco sauce running down Foxpilot's back began to boil. "Shut it, both of you!" The barber stood back as the author grabbed his sword and hat. "Fine then! Ruto, you get your free chapter, you luck little bitch. As for you, ya hair quack, you won't get a cent out of me for this!" Sweeping the meat out of his hair, the writer strode out of the barber shop, footprints almost smoking from the risen anger.

Another couple of minutes passed before Ruto calmed down enough to ask, "You—you're not really that stupid, are you?"

The stylist turned the business sign on. "No, I just don't like it when someone has the nerve to close my shop for a 'private haircut.' It kills the business." He turned back to Ruto. Speaking of which, I must ask you to leave. Zoras don't tend to attract customers, if you catch my drift."

"Oh. Okay, then. Say, when pretty-boy comes back to sue you, could you give him his paper back? Thanks." Ruto dropped the contract in a chair before heading out the door.

"Ah, free for a chapter. I bet Mr. High-and-Mighty's fans will be so disappointed, they'll leave him forever. Ha ha ha!" Trotting down the street, the princess didn't notice the evil canine eyes looking her over from below.

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A bloodcurdling scream filled Foxpilot's ears, almost overriding the demonic barking that accompanied it. Carefully removing another stray piece of beef, the author began to ponder aloud.

"The hell? Sounds kind of like dogs from the underworld attacking a helpless citizen…Oh well, animal control will take care of it…maybe. They'd better not call me in again."

Turning his back to the noise, the writer began to plot the ultimate downfall of the incompetent haircutter.

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**"Rushed? Yes. Done? Yes. It's a good way to say, 'I'm still alive,' at least.**

**"For those of you interested, I'm holding a sort of art contest…thing. I'm looking for an 'official' artist for my stories. The details are on my profile.**

**"Please note that the stylist's speech and actions are not meant to strike at any ethnic group—I just like tacos, and feigning the inability to speak English is pretty annoying in general.**

**"Ciao chow all, and may each and every one of you avoid getting meat in your hair."**


	6. What the Bleep?

**"…Many comments. Many, many comments. Oh so many that I could make, and none of them are particularly witty or worthwhile. I do have to say that this one's been a long time coming, though.**

**"I warn you now, this chapter contains some rather explicit and gratuitous writing that could possibly borderline on the M rating. I assure you, I am not kidding in this matter. If you find yourself easily disturbed or even aroused—yes, aroused—please skip this chapter. This is your last warning.**

**"…Still here, huh? Well, I suppose this is the time for the next part. The idea for this chapter comes from something written by fellow writer Maannga. Maannga writes an interesting _Ocarina of Time_ parody and mentioned that in the _OoT_ manga, Ruto could talk to Morpha. Reminded of LittleBlueNayru's insane pairings, my mind quickly formulated a bizarre and unusual plan for this chapter. It had to be done and I will likely regret it.**

**"So, of course, I don't own any of this. And so, without any more delay…Let it…Begin."**

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"Heellloooooooo? Anybody home? Liiiinkyyyy? Are you done defending my honor by beating up that slimy monnnnnster?" Ruto's screeches rent the door open, allowing her to enter. Inside, she found a bland room with a depression in the middle. That hole had four large pillars arranged in a square and bearing the event that someone fell into the pit. Most striking, though, was the bright blue water filling the hollow, which exuded a strange presence.

That is, until Ruto noticed the two figures in the back corner, kissing passionately in the nude.

One figure had brown hair that curled up at the shoulders and was clearly a girl. The other was a middle-aged man who seemed like he'd be devoted to anything he put his mind to. On his head was a cylindrical red hat with a black bill and a white tab that read "Mail." As the Zora watched, the two figures moved into an act that Ruto could only describe as horrible beyond words.

Ruto drew a breath to scream at the indecent couple—but found that she was incapable of taking in the air. It reeked with the foul stenches of death and, for some reason, consummation. However, there was a third smell, one that overrode all other senses. The Zora princess couldn't describe it, but it made her long for physical contact.

Whirling around the room, her sense of fish smell found the source:

The blue water. Without hesitation, Ruto jumped in. Rather than give to her form, though, the water cushioned her like a bed. From its sky-colored depths came a crimson orb. The orb seemed to speak to Ruto's soul, telling her what she needed. "Take me now, you sexy monster!"

And take her it did. It started slowly at first, applying pressure to the foreskin. As Ruto moaned in pleasure, Morpha pushed deeper, piercing the covering and pushing further in. Eventually, the tentacle began to pulsate, pleasuring Ruto even further and then further still as it picked up speed. The monster seemed pleased itself, happily pushing further in and applying more pressure.

The process continued for another ten minutes. Finally, Ruto gave a shout of ecstasy, opening her mouth and releasing a room-shaking screech. The shout soon turned to one of excrutiating pain, however, as Morpha's tentacle pushed up through her esophagus and connected back into the water.

One by one, Ruto's organs began to stream out of her body in a grim parade. Heart, lungs, stomach, and spleen; nothing was safe from the ripping force of Morpha's tentacle slime. Amid screams of former joy came horrible amounts of blood. Before long, the princess' body was an empty husk of scales.

Satisfied with its work, Morpha allowed the corpse into its depths to be disintegrated.

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"So," Link inquired, turning away from the one-way wall, "how'd you do it?"

The scientist from Lake Hylia shrugged. "I didn't. Some bottle was left outside by door with instructions. Apparently it's an aphrodisiac."

"Hey! How does it work?" asked Navi. Yes, it was written in a simple manner. Because people hate her, too.

The old man shrugged again. "I couldn't tell you. Say, who's that young man?"

Whipping around, Link and Navi witnessed a young man with pale skin and raven hair swept back like a fireball enter the room. His light tunic was open down to his stomach, and he wore an odd rope knit as a belt. Attached to the belt was a sheathed sword. His voice was smooth, but held obvious scorn. "What is this place…?"

Link, Navi, and the researcher watched in horror as a tentacle snuck up behind the teen…

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**"…I warned you. For that matter, I warned me. I warned us all. And none of us listened. But I did it! I wrote it all! Damn me all to…Well, no need to get personal, right? But really, I don't think I'm doing something like this again any time soon.**

**"Ciao chow, all, and remember that pheromones are dangerous."**


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